What institutional trauma has done to me

We'll start with a definition of thought.

But first, we have to venture back in time.

I want to give a warning to the reader, despite enjoying creation stories, I am still a Darwinian, and this article relies on evolutionary biology.

The brain evolved slowly, over millions of years, likely from a common ancestor.

One primary function of the evolutionarily old brain is to detect threats and respond to them.

The main mechanism it uses is called the 'Fight or Flight' response.

This response is triggered by the amygdala — a small structure in the brain that is responsible for processing emotions.

The amygdala has the ability to hijack the body's physiological responses, such as heart rate, breathing and stress, in order to prepare the body for action.

This is a survival mechanism, and it's a very effective one.

Say for instance, you face a bear in the woods, do you fight, or do you run? The first responder in this situation is the amygdala.

So then, what is a thought?

A thought is a prediction about the future, primarily about safety.

If you can think about what you would do in a fight or flight situation and you can prepare for the future then your chances of survival might be higher.

So we think about the future, and we prepare for it.

This is often a cause of neurotic emotion, as people who are under prepared or out of control may experience anxiety or fear.

I experienced a situation in which I was victimised in a toxic relationship.

I tried before things got out of control to seek help, but I was offered no support.

Things escalated and I was put in a situation where I was forced to make a choice for my safety and my sanity.

So I stuck a load of dynamite at the end of the relationship and blew it up.

I could either live my life in confusion and distress or I could at least control myself towards the end.

The police were called and I was arrested.

I was put in a cell for a few days and then released.

I was put on a restraining order and was given a court date.

I tried to tell my story to multiple people, but I was mostly met with disbelief and hostility.

My story was such a stark contradiction to what the courts had ruled that the only possible explanation was that I was out of touch with reality.

But the worst part was, everything I was experiencing, word for word was textbook emotional abuse.

Despite the worst of it being over, I still ruminate on this experience.

My brain can't reconcile the fact that the institutions are an immovable threat.

There's no fight, there's no flight.

I try to rigorously think my way out of this:

• What can I say?
• What can I study?
• What emotion can I display?
• Who can I talk to?

But I'm always brought back to a scene in my mind where I'm face to face with detectives and psychiatrists... and I'm forced to explain myself, but every word is used against me, where everything I say is either a lie, or a delusion.

It's been thoroughly exhausting. I've been decisively diagnosed as not psychotic or delusional, but I'm stuck in a cycle because closure has never been given..

Everyone admits that my emotions are real, but no one will admit that I'm right, or that they were wrong to lock me in a mental hospital, or a prison, or forcefully drug me.

I'm stuck in a cycle where I'm simulating situations where I'm faced with a threat I can't control, and I'm obsessively ruminating on how can I fight or escape the situation.

I was at a Christmas carol event last week with my family, and I heard a chime play which reminded me of my doorbell, and immediately I was thrown into a panic attack.

Something so simple triggered my mind into a state of absolute panic due to the threat of having my autonomy removed, my sanity questioned and my reality dismissed as not even worthy of trying to understand because it was so irrational there was no explanation.

When I see anything which represents the scales of law symbol I'm immediately overwhelmed with stress.

The outcome of the relationship is so evil that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My former partner truly got the last laugh, and she enjoys every moment of it in her sick and twisted ways.

It feels like I'm trying to move a mountain, a mountain which no one else has realised even exists.

I'm stuck fighting a battle people don't understand, and I'm forced to explain myself in a way that only serves to further entrench other peoples questions about my sanity.

I'm trying to figure out how to navigate this world, and learn from my mistakes, but I'm only coming to conclusions that are 'I'm right, and institutions are wrong', but no one else believes me, nor do they care. It's a pyrrhic victory, I've won, but at what cost?

Why was there no way to reasonably exit this relationship?

The burden I carry is heavy, all I wanted was the best for the people I care about.